December 14, 2014

The End is (Somewhat) Nigh!

This is my freshman year play in high school. I co-wrote the play (And acted as the delightfully flamboyant Hades) with my friend Matthew Hale (Who plays Cthulhu) and is a religious satire with a musical number written by yours truly. I would like to thank everyone who helped make this play, and to just say how relieved I am that it was such a success.
Tyler Wanke- Ares (The God of War)   
Jack Preskitt (Me)- Hades (Lord of the Undrworld)
Lucas Kadeg- Zeus (God of Lightening)    
Greta Rose- Unnamed/ Unimportant Yelling Scientist
Logan Smith- Narrator/ Yelling, Dying Guy  
Alex Hale- Agent J (Jesus Christ)
Matthew Hale- Cthulhu
Written By: 
Matthew Hale (Mostly) and Jack Preskitt (Song "Welcome to Hell", and half of the jokes)

My song couldn't be heard from the uproarious laughter (wasn't expecting that at all by the way), so I have taken the liberty to post the lyrics here: 

Welcome to hell!
The underworld is hella swell
The flames of sin burn hella hell
But everyone is happy here
That's why we sing this happy cheer!

October 19, 2014

"The Crew" Page #8

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, and May End in a Cliffhanger:

So there I was… out of breath and waiting for Buck to arrive at the park. So I waited… And waited… And waited… And waited… And waited… And waited… And waite- okay, I think you get the picture.

I waited a total of ten minutes, but I was counting every second that I waited for Buck’s “army” to illuminate what exactly I was even waiting for. Buck’s vagueness and suspense never worked so well… that and the magic squirrel thing (that phrase must sound so weird out of context). Ten minutes of waiting finally amounted to the anticipated arrival of Buck and Luke.

Luke was tall, standing at 5’’7, and bore straight, golden hair, barely reaching down to his ears. His eyes were an icy blue, and his skin was whiter than… a piece of printer paper. Printer paper’s pretty white.. That’s a pretty good analogy.

Luke was Buck’s cousin, along with pretty much half of the town. Cloverdale was Hunt-Territory, and if you messed with any of them, the whole town was against you. This gave Buck a sort of diplomatic immunity when it came to adventuring; if we just so happened to step on private property, we’d get off Scott Free, and wouldn’t have to sneak around like spies (however, we did some times ‘cause playing spy is fun!). Once a landowner saw the trademark Hunt blonde hair, he knew he mustn't mess with this group of trespassers.

The two walked down the street to the park, both with amazingly serious expressions. Buck was holding the Spell Book in one arm, and a notebook in the other. The two wore matching sunglasses, which may sound kinda tacky, but Buck could pull of sunglasses and he knew it. As the two slowly strutted down Clark Ave. to the meeting place, I couldn't help but gaze at the total bad-ass looking duo.

I wiped off the sweat of my forehead and fixed my hair in the camera of my phone. I coolly walked over to the two, slyly saying, “Oh yeah, we’re doing that meeting thing today, aren’t we?” I couldn’t let Buck know that his tactic of anticipation worked on me.


October 10, 2014

"The Crew" Page #7

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, and May End in a Cliffhanger:

Unluckily, however, Art was taught by Ms. Hetrick; the math teacher. As I walked into the room, breathing heavily and sweating at an alarming rate, I looked up to meet the unsatisfied gleam of the teacher. I tried to hide behind the crowd of chatting students the covered the back row(who were awaiting for further instruction from the teacher). Alas, this tactic didn’t work.

“What took you so long? Weren’t you just outside?”
“Umm yeah, I went to the bathroom.”
“For 5 minutes?” she said, as she looked down at her silver watch.
“Yeah, I’d rather not talk about it if you don’t mind,” I said in an overly defensive tone.
“I’m sorry… Class! Prepare for class! We have a fun and interesting project for today.”

I’ll skip to when something fun and interesting happens:
As the final bell rang, disbanding a wave of loud children, I suddenly remembered what Buck had told me.
It had become my mission to make it to the park, eager to find out what Buck meant by “army.” Who were they fighting? Wizards hadn’t been cool since Harry Potter, and even that was ruined when they killed Dobby. Why?! Why Dobby?!
I power walked to the park, increasing speed with every other step that took me closer to Buck. Eventually after about 5 minutes (4 minutes and 48 seconds to be exact) I found myself sprinting in anticipation.
Sweat dripped down my brow (I sweat a lot in this story… California’s a hot state…) when I ran past the breezy January air, stopping for no one… Although there was no one to really stop for; the park was only like 10 minutes away, and not many people live in Cloverdale. I did brush past a 3rd grader, and looking back at that, I do feel kind of bad about it… Poor little confused 3rd grader!

At last, I had made it to the park. I leaned against the chain fences that surrounded the park. I was finally there and ready to unveil the vagueness that lead to my curiosity. I looked beyond the fence to look for Buck, only to realize I had rushed all the way to the park, even before Buck had left school.

October 5, 2014

"The Crew" Page #6

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, and May End in a Cliffhanger:

As I waited for the slowest printer I’d ever encountered in my travels, I immediately silenced my impatient tapping of the fingers. There was a noise coming from outside of the classroom. I knew the noise was none other than the loud footsteps of 27 uncivilized 7th graders.

The bell rang, as my heart heavily beat to the ear ringing sound of the intercom feedback. Damn school grade computers! They never get the time right!

I quickly grabbed the unfinished printed list of ingredients and ran to the back door as fast as I could. The dark room suddenly lit up with the arrival of impatient middleschoolers. I couldn’t make it to the door in time, so I dove under the nearest desk in the front row. The entire computer lab was filled with the loud gossip of 7th graders in a matter of seconds.
So there I was, surrounded by the loud forces of Satan’s Army (the 7th graders) with no obvious way out. My heart beat even louder than the irritating chatter of the children around me. Suddenly, the entire class was dead silent. All of the kids took their seats, and I had to make my way to the back door before the teacher got in.
The students quickly rushing to their assigned seats provided a very measly cover for about 3 seconds before I heard the raspy voice of old Ms. Knickerson.
“Sit down and shut up…” croaked the rough voice of the aging teacher.

I couldn’t quite make it to the door in time, so I slyly made my way behind the conveniently placed curtain, which covered the dark room from the shining sun. Finally safe behind the curtain, I quickly hopped out of the opened window and found myself lying on the ground breathing intensely. Out of nowhere, I started hysterically laughing, as the sweat of my intense escape dripped down my forehead. I could’t believe it; I made it out of the classroom without anyone noticing me.

“Who just jumped out of the window?” I heard, coming from the computer lab. With that, I ran as fast as I could to my next class: Art.

October 2, 2014

"The Crew" Page #5

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, and May End in a Cliffhanger:

“Have you been paying attention at all?”
“I am shocked, Mrs. Hetrick! Appalled even.”
“What lesson am I teaching?”
“Okay you got me there…”
“Get out of my classroom, Jack,” she said calmly.

As I pathetically walked out of that classroom, I wandered over to the computer lab a few classrooms over, which was conveniently unlocked. I quickly scurried to the furthest computer in the dark room. The only thing guiding my steps were the glowing power-buttons of the cheap, malfunctioning computers.
My blinded journey to the furthest row (there were like 6 rows of 4 computers in each… it was a very small computer lab) was finally completed. As I sat down in the worn out “wheelie-chair,” I quickly logged into the student account with the generic “student@101” password. In a flash of slight head turning, I checked the time. 2:40; still 20 minutes left.
I double-clicked Google Chrome and typed in: It sent me to a sketchy looking website, and the font they used was none other than the epitome of repulsive fonts: papyrus. I freaking hate papyrus! What if I typed the rest of the story with papyrus? That would suck, right? The website wa- sorry, the font was stuck on papyrus. Won't happen again. So anyways, the website was accompanied by a boastful slogan, bragging about their “largest wizarding community in North America.” It didn’t look like there was much competition in that department.
As I scrolled through the categories of “spells” listed on the website, one caught my eye: Love Spells. I clicked the link, which sent to an even larger list of subcategories. Commitment Spells; no, Erotic Spells; not what I’m looking for, Sexual Spells; god, wizards are pervs! Ah, here we go: Attraction Spells!

I clicked “Attraction Spells” and found myself at the beginning of a very long list of user submitted “spells”. I clicked the first spell, which was titled, “Love Potion N.9,” an obvious reference to the 1992 romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock. I printed it out proceeded to wait for the fastest printer the school could afford… Sadly the school couldn't afford much.

September 29, 2014

"The Crew" Page #4

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, And May End in a Cliffhanger:

That day in math was uneventful… at least I think it was… I wasn’t really paying attention to the teacher. Not that that wasn’t usual for me, or the entire class for that matter. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the squirrel. It was so strange… Where could it have come fr-
“Hey Jack.”
That’s when I lost track of that thought.
“Hey Brooke,” I said shyly.
“Do you know what Mrs. Hetrick is talking about? I’ve kind of been zoning out,” she said through a light blush.
“No, sorry, I’ve been thinking about stuff…”
“Okay, I’ll just ask Luke then…”
“No don’t!” I blurted out of nowhere. Luke also had a crush on Brooklyn. I knew by the glance he gave her every now and then. This alone didn’t make me nervous; it was the glance that she returned to him.
“Why don’t you ask Sami? She’s closer,” I suggested. I knew Sami was paying attention. What squirrels could she possibly be zoning out over?
“Okay then…” she said, as she turned to Sami, “Hey, are you Sami?” and that was the beginning of Brooke and Sami’s long lasting friendship.
Ah, Brooklyn. Her beauty was only matched by her sweet yet shy personality.

“Hey you, Jack, What’s the solution to this equation?” asked Mrs. Hetrick, interrupting my fantasizing of Brooke.
“Umm, 2. No 4!”
“Close… it’s actually 1/2B².”

“Oh sorry… forgot to carry the one…”

September 27, 2014

The Greatest Gif Ever

      A few years ago, my friends and I used to record everything we did all the time. This was the result of quite perhaps the greatest moment of all time. We were all just messing with a football/ swinging on swings/ recording for some reason, when our friend Adrian out of nowhere kicked a football straight at my brother, Ben's, face. Roll the clip:

You must watch the entire video to let the humor sink in, which you can find here.

(BTW I'm the one on the right swing)

September 26, 2014

"The Crew" Page #3

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, And May End in a Cliffhanger:

He repeated this several times. I kinda lost interest, and totally zoned out. I started thinking about the thing that I ever thought about.
Her name was Brooklyn. She came to Cloverdale only months ago and I was already completely obsessed with her. Her blonde hair glowed in the dark hallways of the quad. Her freckles were like the stars on the beautiful night sky that was her face. Her eyes were an emerald gr-
“Jack, are you even listening?”
“Umm yea, weird Latin words and stuff right?”
“Yeah… so look over there,” he said, pointing behind me.
What was he pointing at? All I could see was the oak.
“What is it?”
“Just keep watching…”
I kept looking at the old oak until the leaves started rustling in the wind. Out popped the fuzzy little head of the acorn’s natural enemy: the squirrel.
“That’s just a coincidence…” I said in awe.
“The fifth coincidence in a row? This isn’t the first time I tried this spell out.”
I remained silent, just watching the squirrel.
“Luke and I are making an army. Meet us after school at the park.”
I don’t know how long Buck was still with me after that sentence. I was just watching the squirrel. That squirrel was a product of magic, and real magic too, not like a white rabbit out of a dollar store hat. This squirrel was the white rabbit and Buck was the dorky magician.
As I stared at that squirrel, I realized what Buck had said; an army? Luke? Park after school? So many questions were racing through my mind, like how did Buck spawn a freaking squirrel, and an army for what?? And how did Buck find this website?? So many secrets, so much importanc-


Ah crap; math class…

September 25, 2014

"The Crew" Page #2

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, And May End in a Cliffhanger:

“Why were you Googling magic?”
“Not important. What is important is what I found: there’s this website called”
“Why is that important?”
“It’s a website that has spells and potions and shit! We can be magicians!”
“First off, magicians are lame; wizards are where it’s at. Secondly, you can’t believe anything you read on the internet.”
By the way, this is based on a true story.
“No seriously, check this out!” Buck said, reaching into his tattered back pack. He pulled out a binder that read: Spell Book. It was rather empty, only having about 5 pieces of paper in it.
“What’s that?”
“This is what I call: The Spell Book…”
As he lifted up the binder, the glitter glue sparkled in the light of the sun.
“What the hell is that?”
“This, my boy, is The Spell Bo-“
“Yea but what is it?” I interrupted.
“Well I knew you’d be skeptical so I went ahead and printed out a few spells and made my math binder into this Spell Book.”
“What about your math binder?”
“Hmmm… Don’t care. Anyways, would you like to see me spawn fire or spawn a woodland creature?”
“Well seeing as though we are at school and are surrounded by a hundred kids, I would kinda prefer a squirrel over the death of many.”

“Okee dokee, behold!” he said, as he flipped through the Spell Book. He started to read some Latin sounding gibberish that went something like this:
“Inamabilis sciurus loqui maleficis” 

September 23, 2014

"The Crew" Introduction

The Crew: a tale of four cowardly heroes and their sort-of fantastical quest in their small hometown of Cloverdale, California. This story was actually based off of my experience with "magic" and "dragons," along side my two best friends (and twin brother). Get ready for the kind of true story of our exploits as...

"The Crew" Page #1

WARNING: The Following is a Continuing Story Arc, And May End in a Cliffhanger:

The day was January 30, the day that Buck asked me the question.
“Hey Jack, do you believe in dragons?”
What the hell? Do I believe in dragons? I was just sitting on the bench under the old oak, just like I did every recess. Buck was never in sight unless I wanted him to be. He was always coming up with these schemes that almost never worked. Our almost constant victim was my second best friend, Brandon Dawson. Actually, to be fair, Buck and Brandon were tied for second. My real best friend was Anthony Martensen, but he’s not important… and by that I mean to the story! He’s very important in his own way!

“Do I believe in dragons?” I repeated.
“It depends on what kind, like Wyverns or what? It really depends on the kind of dragon you're referring to. ”
“Like any kind.”
“Then no. Can’t say I believe in any kind of dragon. Why?”
“Oh, no reason.”
Whenever he said this, he would always be trying to get my attention. It never worked though. I would just simply ignore this tactic.
“What is it??” I cracked like 2 seconds after his tactic… It’s a great tactic.
“Well I was just searching the web a couple of days ago and found something interesting…”
He was very intriguing when he wanted to be.
“What did you find?” I asked, desperately hoping he wouldn’t say porn.

“Well I was Googling magic and found something pretty cool.”


August 8, 2014

New Store

Hello anybody who might (probably won't) be reading this! I have something smashing to announce: You can buy your very own Outskirts of the Web brand stuff and whatnot! It won't all be Outskirts of the Web related, but it will all be random. Here is the newest Tea Tee. There will be all sorts of weird related stuff, so please, feel free to give me your money! Alot of cat stuff too...